So this really has nothing to do with aesthetics – or at least aesthetics as I’ve defined it here, but la vie est belle and this will be a shorty study on the beauty of life – of my life, most specifically.
When I initially started this blog, it was really just a way for me to document my feelings regarding the things I love: literature, art, music, food, film, nature – every place where I find beauty. And while I’ve been absolute crap at updating, I want that to change. I need that to change. How often I post, yes, but just as life and people and histories evolve, so too can what this space means to me.
I am planning on moving to Paris for a year next October (or maybe December – gotta get that bonus baguette money!). I’ve been thinking about what that means. I’ve asked myself why and all I’ve come up with is… “Because I want to.” That city has my heart and it feels so natural when I’m there, but it really boils down to – I want to. I have the ability to make a life changing decision for myself with zero input from and very little consideration for anyone else. The autonomy and authority I have in making this decision is delicious and freeing. I told someone earlier that I was moving and their response was typical: Now is the time to go – you’re single, you don’t have any kids or a house to take care of. While that’s true, I know that’s not why I’m going to deliberately make myself uncomfortable for a whole year in a culture I’ve only really experienced through movies and books. Yes, I can move there, but I’m driven to do so only by the desire to be there.
I think about my move every day and I’m working towards my goal of being as Parisian as possible (or as Parisian as an American planning on living there for a short amount of time can be) – I’m teaching myself French nearly every day, I’m following tons of French speakers on Instagram, I’m listening to FranceInfo on my walks to work, and I’m reading books by people (read: Expats) who have done the very same thing I’m going to do (and setting up a reward of reading a book in French – “In Search of Lost Time,” is that you?). It’s so wonderful to have these resources as I prepare. On the days where I get frustrated with my inability to remember the differences between “Je vais manger,” “Je mange,” and “J’ai mangé,” or my ears hurt from listening to the news for twenty minutes and think they’re talking about the student walk-out over gun-violence here in the States, I remind myself that I’m doing this because I want to. I’ve been able to accomplish most anything I’ve put my mind to (running a half-marathon, practicing yoga every day for a year, teaching myself pointed pen calligraphy), and, by God, I will learn French.
I came to understand how much I look for challenges when I was told so by a good friend. I texted Beth after listening to a podcast by an American in Paris. I thought I was having a mild panic attack – what if I was too American to live in Paris? What if I got there and all the French I’ve learned and all the podcasts from expats I’ve listening to and all the books I’ve read are completely wrong? What if I hate living there? What if I can’t stand not having air conditioning and that there are too many stairs and too many tourists asking me questions in terrible broken French? What if, quelle horreur, I develop some fatal allergy to dairy? She, walking into the house fire that was my brain, reminded me of what I’ve done and the fact that I deliberately create new challenges because I’m not afraid of them. She answered, “You look for new things to do, new skills to learn, and new difficulties to conquer all the time.” (And this is why it’s important to have truth tellers who love you – they point out truths about you that you don’t see!) I know that moving to a foreign country where I’m only vaguely knowledgeable about their language and culture without a close support system is challenging and will be the most challenging thing I will probably every do, but having Beth speak words of encouragement to me in a time a doubt, as well as having an amazingly generous mother who dreams right along with me, alleviated the momentary fear of what I’m about to embark on. The panic and doubt that tried to make itself known to me sank back into it’s little hidey hole.
You guys, I’m doing everything I can to not create any expectations surrounding this moving. I’m trying not to romanticize the most romantic city in the world. When I come back to the States, the only thing I’m hoping to come back with is… growth (plus some antique books). After living by myself for the first time ever and traveling to 12 different countries and just as many French cities in a year and eating food I’ve never even heard of, all I want is to grow. I have no idea what that will look like, but I do know that I am going to learn about myself in ways being comfortable could never afford me. You always hear about the need to step outside your comfort zone – so much so that it’s become a gross and trite cliché. But it’s so universally known because stepping out of your comfort zone pushes you into changing, learning, evolving, and growing. Civilization only exists because we’ve done so! We’ve learned to not be afraid of things that challenge us. Sure, I’m taking a “giant” risk moving, but if I stayed in one place (both physically and emotionally), I wouldn’t have the opportunity to discover who I can be. For a girl who’s life goal is to be the best person she can be, I think being uncomfortable should just about do it.
That brings me back to the evolution of this blog. While I have no expectations for my time in Paris, I do expect some things to change here (the one thing I have control over). I’ll still write about beautiful things (which, oh hey, no surprise, will have a strong Francophilic bent), but I’m also going to document the beautiful journey to Paris, the experiences I have while there (living without air conditioning, climbing a ridiculous amount of stairs, dealing with tourists asking me questions in terrible broken French) and what the culture shock I’m sure I’ll experience upon returning back to the US. I’m planning on learning photography before I leave, to capture Parisian life. I plan to share how I go about finding an apartment, procuring a visa, and what it’s like to order une pomme frites for the first time. I’m planning, I’m planning. (Scripture just popped into my head – “Many are a person’s plans, but it’s the Lord’s will that prevails” and I want to quash it)
In the attempt to form habits so that I can actually do all this (consistently sharing my experiences), I’ve decided to memorize a poem every other week. It’s not going so well. This idea popped into my head a month a half ago and, and well, I’ve got two pieces memorized. I digress. I started with a Psalm (the first verse of Psalm 63), but I originally wanted to start with my favorite poem, Ithaka, by the Greek poet CP Cavafy. The first time I read this poem about five years ago, I fell in love with it. My favorite story is the Odyssey and it’s one I see myself in. I love the idea of an epic journey. Memorizing it a couple of weeks ago felt like a gentle reassurance about my trip and I’m sure you’ll see why. I can’t expect anything from Paris, but know that I’ll gain so much more than I could hope for.
As you set out for Ithaka,
Hope the voyage is a long one,
Full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrogynians and Cyclops,
Angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them.
You’ll never encounter things like that
As long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
As long as a rare excitement
Stirs your spirt and your body.
Laistrogynians and Cyclops,
Wild Poseidon – you won’t encounter them
Unless you bring them along inside you,
Unless your soul sets them in front of you.
Hope the voyage is a long one.
May there be many a summer morning when,
With what pleasure, what joy,
You come into harbors seen for the first time.
May you stop at Phoenician trading stations
To buy fine things:
Mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
Sensual perfume of every kind –
As many sensual perfumes as you can.
And may you visit many Egyptian cities
To gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not rush the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years!
So you are old by the time you reach the island,
Wealthy will you have gained,
Not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her, you would not have stepped out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka will not have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
You will have understood by then what these Ithaka’s mean.
コメント